My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
