Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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