new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
She tied me up with her honor cords...
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Randomize
