Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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