Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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