what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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