I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
