Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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