I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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