sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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