there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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