When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
