but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
