When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
