I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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