Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
