I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize
