If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
