I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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