i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
