Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
