the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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