she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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