im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
True strength comes from lack of pants
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Randomize
