She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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