Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
