i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Randomize
