I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
