plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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