I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
