I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
