I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
