Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Randomize
