I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
