Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
