i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
