Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
