the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Someone shit on the floor
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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