sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
