You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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