I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
