I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
