Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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