Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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