I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
