Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
