so explain again why im purple
no
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
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