Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
The Olympian is in my bed
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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