i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
