mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
